Good morning and welcome to VoiceOver, Summit County’s only column that’s looking forward to really being able to ramp up its collection of toenail clippings, thanks to the amazing technology of the new SureClip, a device that will surely be hailed as one of 2009′s greatest technological advances.
Dozens of VoiceOver Readers: “Ewww, toenail clippings? That’s totally gross. Why did you have to go and start the day with something like that?”
VoiceOver: Hey, this is a serious environmental topic. Not too many people realize that toenail clippings are a major source of methane gas as they decompose in landfills around the world. Think about global population. It’s about to reach 7 billion any day now, and then you have to multiply that by 10 toes and 10 fingers to get an idea of what we’re talking about.
DOVOR: “Hmmm. Well, we’re not too good at math, and the calculator on our computer doesn’t go up into the hundreds of billions, but we see where you’re coming from. That comes out to something like 140 billion toes and fingers, and from what we’ve heard, your fingernails and toenails even continue to grow for a little bit after you die.”
VO: That’s right. That’s some serious clippage, folks. This is a problem that has been totally off the radar screen, but we here at VoiceOver are going to make it our mission in 2010 to reduce the amount of clippings going into landfills and make sure this organic material is either recycled or used as biomass.
Forget dead lodgepole pines. Why, just the other night, we did some calculations on a coaster while sitting over at the Moosejaw, and figured out that, if we can convert all of Summit County’s clippings to biomass, we could reduce our area’s greenhouse gas emissions by several tons.
DOVOR: “OK, we gotta admit, you got something there. That seems a worthy goal, We didn’t think of it in those terms. But what about people who chew and digest their toenail clippings? Did you figure that into the equation?”
VO: Now you’re being gross. But yes, we did, and we realize there’s a significant number of people who enjoy self-cannibalizing bits and pieces of themselves. But all in all, we think we can make a difference.
That’s where the SureClip comes in. We saw this advertised on TV just the other night, and we think it’ll help.
VO: For one thing, you know how when you clip nails with an old-school clipper, the clippings tend to go “Sproing!” across the room? Well, the SureClip has a compartment to trap the clippings. That’s the key. Plus, it’s got a wide, cushioned handle for easier operating, a stainless steel blade for more accurate cutting, a built-in magnifying glass so that you don’t accidentally cut your cuticles, and … get this, a little built-in flashlight, so that you can even clip in the dark, say if you get bored while sitting through a really bad movie.
DOVOR: “(Or trying to read through a really bad, silly column). So what’s next, hairballs?”
VO: We heard that. No need to be snide. Anyhow, we’re just sorry we didn’t know this device existed before Christmas, because we could have beefed up our gift offerings significantly. Plus, it comes with an exclusive four-in-one miracle nail buffer, a miracle foot cream and its very own storage pouch. You need to check it out at http://www.getsureclip.com.
DOVOR: “We didn’t realize you were going to do product endorsements. We thought VoiceOver was going to be a commercial-free zone, and we’re not sure that we are totally on board with your new direction. Are you, like, getting kickbacks from these SureClip people? Have they offered you a free clipper in exchange for your testimonial?”
VO: Naaah, we just felt it was our civic duty to address this serious issue of clipping overload, and honestly, we’re part of the minimalist school when it comes to gadgets, but this one looks pretty cool.
We gotta run. Time to invent a way to convert clippings into biomass.